A new song about living in the past.

Lyrics:

Verse 1:

Living out each day like it’s my last,

Trying to forget my sorry past,

As the time is moving oh so fast,

All while you’re still living in the past.

 

Verse 2:

Checking out before I’m checking in,

Trying to atone for my last sin,

Cause of all the trouble that I’m in,

Know that I will never let you win.

 

Chorus:

Doesn’t (didn’t) phase you {me} now, [not a bit]

Didn’t (doesn’t) phase you {me} then, [perhaps it should have]

Don’t you wonder how, [And why]

It happens again.

 

() : switch with previous each time chorus repeats

{}: switch with previous each time chorus comes back (including repeat)

[]: 2nd voice on chorus

I’d rather freeze to death,

Than feel the warmth that once I felt,

The heat that I was dealt,

And which took away my breath.

 

I’d rather be bereft,

Than be the person who I was,

Who went along so just because,

She knew there was nothing left.

 

I’d rather be forgot,

Than immerse myself in sorrow,

As if there’d be tomorrow,

To find what I have not.

 

I’d rather be a ghost,

Than admit that I have failed,

That my train had long derailed,

And I lost what I want most.

 

Yes, I’d rather freeze and die,

Than step into the fire,

And face my deep desire,

That makes me want to cry.

I wrote this song back in 2011. Here is an arrangement of it for cello, piano, and voice.

This song came to me one morning when I woke up in my basement apartment after having been feeling angry and resentful the night before and realized that I needed to let go of those feelings, forgive, and move on.

The first verse I wrote while asleep. The other verses I wrote today for the purposes of this recording.

Oh product of my savage mind,

I let you live, I’ll let you die,

And if you want a different way,

You’ll have to find another day.

 

Oh haunted halls that hold my soul,

So lost to time, and yet so full,

The brightest future will be near,

As when we overcome our fear.

 

Oh splendid day, oh rapturous night,

To know that what I did was right,

My destiny may be unsure,

But of myself, I know I’m pure.

 

Oh product of my savage mind,

I let you live, I’ll let you die,

And if you want a different way,

You’ll have to find another day.

Recorded this today after it was rattling around in me for a couple of days. Did two tracks with harmony. Lyrics below if you can’t decipher.

And if you don’t like the extra reverb, here’s a drier version:

 

Dark, the hour is long, I’m feeling tired,

Lost is any light to guide my way.

Wearily I search for other answers,

Even one that says it is ok.

 

Hardly noticing the noise around me,

Deep in thought there is no place to stay.

Though they say that life is just a journey,

I’ll be wrong no matter what I say.

 

And now she tells me that we will have fun again.

At least until we make it to the other end.

And now she tells me that we will have fun again.

At least until we make it to the other end.

 

I want to go, I want to go, I want to go.

I want to go, I want to go, I want to go.

 

Recklessly alone without a purpose,

Reaching out for anything to hold.

Silent is the voice that brought me guidance,

One day I’ll be young before I’m old.

 

Longer than the day that came before this,

Always knew that I would be alone.

Cannot even reach the nearest sign post,

Feels like I’m turning into stone.

 

And now she tells me that we will have fun again.

At least until we make it to the other end.

And now she tells me that we will have fun again.

At least until we make it to the other end.

I want to go, I want to go, I want to go.

I want to go, I want to go, I want to go.

I want to go, I want to go, I want to go.

I want to go, I want to go, I want to go.

So it was you.
I could never have guessed.
Suppose that’s what I get
For going places
I have no right to be.
I could be mad.
I could hate you.
You know I do not,
though perhaps
it would be better for you
if I did.

I am just sad.
A little for me,
some for you,
and more for them.

My eyes are open now.
If I retrace the path,
I know where it leads,
But what of the rest?

We are no more particles,
than we are waves.

Your form has collapsed.
Again.
Whatever that means,
I could not possibly begin
to know.

I do know you will never read this.
You have learned your lesson,
as I have mine.

You were cursed,
just like them,
and now you are gone.

You will not believe this,
but I was cursed too.
A different curse.
The curse of Uncertainty.
A gift from me alone,
to myself.

I fell in love
with the story.
It was never mine,
yet still to me it spoke.

I am so sorry,
that for you,
it was real.

If I could tell you one,
it would only be,
that You are forgiven.